I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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