just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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