I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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