Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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