A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
