Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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