She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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