I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
