I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
