so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
