My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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