u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
