we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
