Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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