Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
