It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
