I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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