I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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