Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
