I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
