Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I had to cum in my sink.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
