There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
