Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
