theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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