I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
