i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
