i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
