They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You left your phone here
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