You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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