i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
