I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
