He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
