Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
