I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
