hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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