Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
