note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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