I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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