Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
