he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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