if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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