the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
