I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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