My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
