Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
