Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
