I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
