I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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