I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
