I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
